These jokes are in no way intended to offend, but they will, they are all very sick, so if you take offence easily don't read on. I'd like to say that I am NOT racist, sexist, or sick in any way. These are only jokes, they will not hurt you, so please don't write to me crying about them. Besides, someone has to show them...
One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" "I'm kidding." The doctor says, "She's dead."
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
A girl and a boy were at the back of a movie theater, kissing passionately. When they came up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?" To this, the girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour."
Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first? A. Who gives a fuck?
Q: Why couldn't they sell the mercedes that he princess died in?? A: Cos it's got Di all over it!!
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why did the redneck cross the road? A: Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub? A: Stew.
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,Gary, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" Reluctantly, his roommate lubes up his finger and inserts it in Bruce's ass, feeling around, he says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce replies, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and forces it into Bruce's ass. He feels around, and to his suprise, pulls out a Rolex watch. "I found your problem." Gary says. "There was a watch stuck up your ass." Immediately, Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. As he approaches the bar, the bartender exclaims; "Fuck me! Where did you get that from!?" To this the parrot replies "Africa. There's fucking thousands of them there."
Q: Why did God create yeat infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina? A: The woman.
Q: What does a redneck say after sex? A: Thanks Mom.
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex? A: A rape victim.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death? A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex? A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.
Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your vagina?" "Fuck off, no your can't smell my vagina!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds? A : Half a dog
Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl? A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like some candy?" The girls looks over and says "My mom told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me I'll suck your dick."
Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed? A: When the big hand is on the little hand.
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You cant gargle sand.
Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".
Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ? A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said 'bad dog'.
A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation. Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day." Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!" Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?" Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."
A kissing passionately, a man stats coming on strongly to his new date. "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?"
Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia
Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: A nun on her period.
Q: How do you get a baby to run faster? A: Chase it with the lawn mower.
Q: What do you do when your wife comes to you with two balck eyes? A: Nothing. You've already warned her twice.
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: Kick his sister in th chin.
Q: What is aredneck virgin? A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.
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